We’ve all seen toxic versions of the person who is intent on changing their partner. They’re motivated by pride. They want things done their way. They want their partner to become more like them. And the direction is always one way: “You change for me.” None of this is healthy.

In rejecting unhealthy patterns of change, I fear that the tendency now is to reject any value of change whatsoever. We want someone who will love us just as we are. Tim Keller’s book, The Meaning of Marriage, for example, cites the National Marriage Project. In that survey, men ranked compatibility as the number one factor they sought in a partner and they defined compatibility as a “willingness to take them as they are and not change them.” Some described marital compatibility as finding a woman who would “fit into their life,” with one saying, “If you are truly compatible, then you don’t have to change.”

Keller puts this way of thinking in perspective:

“This is a significant break with the past. Traditionally, men married knowing it would mean a great deal of personal alteration. Part of the traditional understanding of marriage was that it ‘civilized’ men. Men have been perceived as being more independent and less willing and able than women to enter into relationships that require mutual communication, support, and teamwork. So one of the classic purposes of marriage was very definitely to ‘change’ men and be a ‘school’ in which they learned how to conduct new, more interdependent relationships.”

Many men would testify to the positive ways that they’ve been changed by their wives. I can point to specific ways that I’ve grown and been impacted by my wife. And the Bible puts the same responsibility on husbands. One of the ways that husbands are commanded to love their wives is by purifying them through the Scriptures with the aim of their holiness. Ephesians 5:25-27 puts it like this:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Making a patient habit of reading Scripture together after dinner, modeling and encouraging daily time in the Bible yourself, and letting God’s Word guide your encouragement and direction in your spouse’s life are all ways of applying the marital wisdom of Ephesians 5. Are these dynamics at work in your relationship? Are these patterns you seek for a future relationship?

I think we do want someone who will love us just the way that we are. But we also need someone who loves us enough to help us grow and mature as well. So instead of asking, “Will this person fit into my life and not change me?” maybe there are some better questions we need to ask:

  • Does this person love me, or do I have to compete for their approval? Do I always feel like I’m fighting to measure up?

  • Do I respect the person that they are helping me become? Or does it just feel like they are trying to make me into their own image?

  • Do they show respect for God and me in the way that they try to encourage my growth? Or is it more about condemnation and keeping me in my place?

  • Does the desire for growth go both ways? Or am I the only one who ever has to change?

We need a vision for marriage and, in fact, all of our relationships that includes personal growth. We need people around us who will help us to change. Let’s be the kind of people who welcome that input in our lives and seek to receive from those who care enough to help us grow.

In awe of Him,

Paul