Anyone who has had children knows the scene. After a long day, you hear how overwhelmed your spouse is. You try to hug and offer some consolation, but a child appears at your feet demanding your attention. You reach down to comfort your child, telling yourself that you’ll pick up again with your spouse once your child has settled down. But the moment has passed. The spouse learns that if they have needs, they have to get in line behind the children. And far too often, their turn never comes. The child learns that they’re the most important person in their parents’ lives. Or maybe just one of their parent’s lives. If that’s the case, the child will sense the rivalry and fight to win. None of this is helpful.

What’s at stake?

Most people feel that the response to the scenario above is unavoidable. But the consequences are huge. One study reported that marital satisfaction among couples fell by 67% after the birth of a baby. It’s easy to see why. If you’re not able to be there for each other in the most stressful period of your lives, then you can’t help but feel more distant. Many are tempted to turn elsewhere for their support. This only increases the stress, distance, and potential for conflict. What’s ironic is that you tell yourself you’re making these sacrifices for your child, but the tension in your relationship is actually adding stress to your parenting and anxiety to your children. One of the most important factors in the health of a child is the security of their parent’s marriage. If the parents’ relationship isn’t stable, a child’s entire world is in jeopardy.

The Bible’s solution

The Bible puts God first, marriage second, and parenting third in order of priorities. In marriage, two people become one (Matthew 19:6) and Jesus warned that no one (not even your child!) should separate what God has joined together. Instructions to the family always start with the marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33) before moving to parenting (Ephesians 6:1-4) and only then to work (Ephesians 6:5-9). As the airline warning says, parents need to put on their own oxygen mask before helping their children with theirs. Hearing all of this as a would-be parent, I tried to show my wife and my kids who was most important in my life. Let me share a number of ways how.

1. Nobody gets between us

I experienced the example I shared above with a child interrupting a personal exchange with my wife time and time again. I think that was a good thing. Each time, it gave me an opportunity to say, “Mommy’s first. She’s the most important person in my life. Once we’re done, I can help you.” Those little interactions and the questions they raised helped to show our kids that not even screams or crying could stand in the way of what we shared as a couple.

2. We have a united front

Children soon learn that if they can’t get away with something with one parent, they should try the other. This is another way that the unity of a couple is tested. We tried to talk about our decisions as a couple, but when in doubt, we would always try to support each other’s decisions. If there’s unity in your parenting, then the challenges can draw you together. If you’re undermining each other, children will literally drive you apart.

3. It’s not all about them

Throughout our marriage, we’ve worked to make time together as a couple and find things that we both enjoy doing. That meant getting children to bed early enough that we could spend time alone together as a couple at the end of the day. It meant finding activities that we liked and things we could talk about other than the children. For years, when babysitters weren’t an option, it meant teaching our kids to be content on their own while we enjoyed a weekly in-house date. The children would share a meal together and watch a show with the instructions not to disturb us unless there was real danger. We knew that we would be better parents and our children would be more secure if our marriage was strong and our relationship was deepening.

A solid marriage is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children. What helped you hold your marriage together when the kids arrived? Where do you still struggle? Share your questions or experiences in the comments below, so we can all learn from them.

In awe of Him,

Paul