Some of the hardest conversations are the ones that never get started. You lob the conversational ball over the net, and nothing comes back. You try to deal with an issue, and the person won’t engage. What do you do when you’re the only one interested in the conversation? The book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, has helped me in conversations where the door felt closed, and I might have been tempted to walk away. Three principles stand out.
1. Make it safer for the other person to talk
When another person won’t open up, it’s often because they don’t feel safe to do so. Maybe you’ve had this conversation before, and it didn’t end well. Maybe you’ve made your views painfully clear, and your views felt a little painful! Maybe the person fears how you’ll respond. The authors give a number of ways that you can help put a person at ease and put them in the driver’s seat of the conversation.
The most basic thing you can do is to ask their opinion and express genuine interest in their perspective. The other person may not be speaking because we’ve made it clear that we’re not really listening. Trying to put what they say in your own words helps you confirm what they’re telling you, and it sends the message that you genuinely hear them.
When someone continues to hold back, you might graciously guess what they might be thinking. “I wonder if this is what’s going through your mind. Am I off base?” While this could be weaponized by someone trying to force a conversation, it helps when someone is struggling to put their thoughts into words.
2. Make it safer for the other person as you talk
You might start off well by making it safe for the other person as they share their views but then shut down the conversation by the way you share your own. The conversation will be over as soon as the other person feels threatened.
While it’s tempting to jump to the area of disagreement, start by affirming what you agree on. Recognizing your common ground makes it clear how much you share.
As you do begin to share your differences, try to compare where you disagree without pronouncing judgment on who’s right and who’s wrong. You’re trying to build understanding and consensus, not win a debate.
3. Work on me first and us second
When all else fails, and sometimes it does, you can always work on yourself. Put aside what you’re trying to make the other person see for now and try instead to get their input in your own growth. How might you approach these kinds of conversations better? What does the other person see in your life that you might change? What kind of support do they need from you?
Years ago, I found myself in a conversation with a colleague I was trying to encourage. I wanted to connect at both a spiritual and a professional level, but all of my questions got one-word answers that seemed to say, “I’m not interested in getting into anything like that.” Feeling that I was at a dead end, I decided to pivot and “work on me first.”
I turned the tables and asked him to give me feedback on areas of strength and weakness and what he felt I could work on personally and professionally. He opened up and shared extensively and constructively, and as we spoke, I felt that I was learning a lot and helping to model for him a level of openness I felt he needed.
Finally, I asked him specifically about ways that I could minister to him more effectively (because my strategies hadn’t been working very well!). He helped me see our relationship through his eyes very clearly, shared about areas of insecurity, and added, “Please affirm me frequently and tell me stories about your failures.” As he spoke, I realized that age and seniority added pressure to our relationship that I was unaware of. It also became clear that I needed to affirm him and open up more about my own struggles in order for him to feel safe enough to engage with me about areas of growth in his life. While it wasn’t the conversation I had planned on, our relationship was deepened, and I learned how I might speak with him more effectively in the future.
What are some of the things you’ve learned about how to speak with someone who won’t open up? What are some of the challenges you’ve had? Share your experiences in the comments so we can all learn from them.
May God give us all help in creating opportunities for conversation when the doors seem to be closed.
In awe of Him,
Paul
