Whenever we’re in an important discussion, we seldom just objectively respond to the facts that we hear. We interpret conversations through a grid. As we’re listening to someone, we often try to fit things into stories we’ve heard before. Sometimes, we turn to stories that accurately reflect reality and they help us to quickly assess the situation. Other times, we relate what we hear to stories that hijack the conversation and prevent us from finding a healthy resolution. The book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, points out some of the stories that most commonly sabotage the talks that we have.
1. Victim stories: It’s not my fault
With a victim story, we play the tragic lead, assume our innocence, and put the blame on the other person. According to the authors, what’s wrong with this and the other stories they mention is that they’re often incomplete. When we find ourselves playing the victim, they encourage us to consider ourselves as actors instead. While it’s possible that we’re completely innocent, we should resist the temptation to assume we are. Are there facts that I’m ignoring? Am I pretending not to see my own role in the problem? Humility and self-examination are often the antidote we need. As 1 John 1:10 says, “If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.”
2. Villain stories: It’s all your fault
Villain stories are like victim stories from the opposite perspective. But they have unique characteristics. When we tell ourselves a villain story, we paint another person as impossibly bad. To do that, we not only point to the facts, but we also claim to know what they’re thinking, what their motives are, along with their hidden agenda. The book talks about turning villains into humans with the question, “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?” It’s easy to assume good motives for ourselves and bad ones for others, but as we try to see people charitably and interpret their actions in the most positive light, tensions ease, and we become more motivated in finding a resolution.
3. Helpless stories: There’s nothing else I can do
We turn to the helpless story when we want to portray ourselves as boxed into a corner with no other way out. The helpless story is what we often use to justify some action or decision that we wouldn’t otherwise excuse. It reminds me of Jesus in John 5:6 when He asks a person, “Do you want to be healed?” His question is a reminder that helplessness can be a mindset, not just a condition. The book suggests we turn the tables on our helpless stories and consider what else we’re actually able to do. As we ask ourselves what God wants for the conversation and think about other alternatives, often we’re able to find a path forward.
The qualities that seem to underlie the solutions to these stories are humility, compassion, and hope. It’s pride that keeps me from seeing the part that I’ve played in a situation and humility that helps me to own up to it. Pride makes me assume that I can know the other person’s motives as well. In difficult conversations, I find that I have to resist the temptation to make assumptions and instead focus on what I can know with certainty. As I do so, compassion helps me to put myself in the other person’s shoes and imagine why they’ve responded as they have. Finally, hope moves me to look for solutions and believe that fight or flight aren’t my only options.
If you recognize some of these stories or have seen others that get in the way of more productive discussions, share them in the comments so we can all learn from them.
May God help you to avoid the stories that may be sabotaging your important conversations.
In awe of Him,
Paul
