Click on the image above for the video of this article or keep reading below for the text version.

The challenges of parenting start early. Most birth stories sound like thrillers, filled with tension, jump scenes, and a piercing soundtrack. After the birth, you have to cope with sleep deprivation and the emotional and often inexplicable crying. The excitement of early accomplishments like crawling, walking, and the first words are often offset by worries of whether those milestones are late, slow, or somehow signals of disadvantage compared to peers or your most vocal relative’s memory of when these things are supposed to happen. And then comes one of the biggest challenges of all: the first time your child responds with a defiant, “No!” What do you do when your child rejects your authority and crosses the line you’ve told them not to cross? Let’s look at two common options and a third alternative that the Bible gives.

1. Ignore it?

Probably the most popular parenting response to defiance today is to ignore it. This takes a number of different forms. Some parents excuse it. It’s normal at this age, they convince themselves. Some parents deny it. They just move on and pretend it never happened. Some parents laugh it off. They think it’s cute to see a child so small acting so grown up. Some parents avoid it. They’re careful not to ever ask or expect anything of their child, so they never have to deal with conflict.

All of these responses tell the child that you, as a parent, have no moral authority in their life. Ignoring your child’s rebellion feels like a solution for a time, but the Bible warns that it’s a dangerous one because the child grows up without the humility to submit to authority and learn from those who would lead them. That’s why the Bible says that “a child left to himself brings shame to his mother” (Proverbs 29:15) and calls a failure to confront disobedience a sign of a parent’s disregard for their child rather than their love (Proverbs 13:24).

2. Get angry?

People often assume that the only alternative to ignoring a child’s defiance is getting angry at them. Parents will resort to yelling, name-calling, or even angrily hitting their child. When people think of spanking, it’s often in this context that they’ve experienced it. When asked why they get angry at their child, they’ll respond that it’s necessary because it would be wrong to just ignore what they’ve done. But James said, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20).

Anger does more harm than good in parenting for a number of reasons. First of all, parents seldom get angry that a child has crossed the line, rather they usually get angry that the child has pushed them too far. When a child defies the parent, their first response will usually be a threat. This is similar to ignoring the sin, but it’s a promise to ignore this one with the promise that you’ll deal with the next one. The threats continue until the parent has had it, at which point the explosion occurs and the parent’s fury is unleashed. The child hasn’t learned to avoid sin. They’ve only learned to avoid getting the parent angry enough to blow up. Also, when you’re angry, no real communication can take place. There’s no teaching, no confession, no forgiveness, and no reconciliation. Anger is more about the parent’s frustration than the child’s sin, and they can sense it.

3. Discipline in love?

The alternative that the Bible presents is loving but firm discipline. Here, discipline is given as a response to the first act of defiance, not the tenth, because it’s meant to confront the child’s sin not to allow you to vent your emotion. Hebrews 12:11 says, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Disciplining your child involves calmly responding to their defiance with painful but measured consequences that communicate the seriousness of what they’ve done. Proverbs gives hope, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him” (Proverbs 22:15). What is intended here isn’t the cruel punishment that is often caricatured, but an imitation of the heart of God of whom it is said that: “the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives” (Hebrews 12:6). Because it’s not done in anger, it can be accompanied by explanation and followed by forgiveness and prayer. It’s here that a child can experience the beautiful fruit of repentance. And they can see that their sin can be exposed and confronted, but then forgiven and released.

When your child says, “No!”, choose to discipline in love. And remember the promise and warning of Proverbs 19:18 which says, “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.”

In awe of Him,

Paul