Life is complicated. That makes it difficult when you try to apply the Bible simplistically. Everybody knows the command to honour your father and your mother (Exodus 20:12), and Jesus called us to love our enemies (Luke 6:27-28). But what if our enemy is also our abuser? What if the parent we’re called to honour is mistreating or exploiting us? Some say the Christian response is to turn the other cheek. Others follow the recent explosion in articles advocating that you cut off all the toxic people in your life. The biblical tension is somewhere in between. There are at least 4 ways we’re called to love an abusive family member.
1. Pray for them and desire their good
If Jesus could pray for the good of those who killed Him (Luke 23:34), then His command to “pray for those who abuse you” (Luke 6:27-28) likely has no exceptions. Stephen, the first martyr, followed Jesus’ example in this. Even as he was being stoned to death, he prayed, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them” (Acts 7:60).
I can’t help but think that the repeated encouragements to “bless those who curse you” (Luke 6:28; Romans 12:14) are given, not only to change abusive people but also to free those who have been abused from the bitterness that would otherwise destroy them. One of the greatest dangers in our response to toxic people is that we become toxic ourselves.
In prayer, we learn to seek the good of people we would otherwise want to harm. That’s why the command to bless those who persecute you is followed by “bless and do not curse them” (Romans 12:14). It’s also why the Book of Proverbs warns against not rejoicing when your enemy falls (Proverbs 24:17). If we’re glad to see our enemy’s downfall, then the destructive circle is complete, and the oppressed has become the oppressor. Pray for your enemies, not only for their sake but for yours.
2. Release your grudges against them
Related to our prayers for our enemies is the release of our anger towards them. You can’t love someone whom you’re bitter towards. Leviticus 19:18 puts it like this: “You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.”
When you trust that God will carry out His perfect justice, it frees you from having to play judge and jury yourself (Romans 12:19). If crimes have been committed, that doesn’t mean that you don’t play your part in the justice system, but it does mean that bitterness isn’t what’s driving you. We have to let go of the grudges, or they’ll destroy us.
3. Meet the needs that are safe for you to respond to
If you’re praying for someone’s good, and you’ve released your anger against them, it’s not surprising that God would call us to express our love in tangible acts. Jesus said, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you” (Luke 6:27), and Paul said, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink” (Romans 12:20-21). Even the Old Testament prescribed that you had to rescue your enemy’s donkey if you found it (Exodus 23:5).
Scripture shows that meeting needs like this isn’t always realistic, however. When he was on the run from King Ahab, Elijah wasn’t thinking about whether there was enough food on the royal table. But I think it is worth asking, “Are there needs in this person’s life that it would be safe for me to respond to?” That’s different than doing whatever an oppressive person demands or whatever a tender conscience requires.
4. Absorb the offence, but flee the danger
For victims of abuse, it’s unfortunate that “turn the other cheek” has become entrenched in the English language, but “take the child and his mother, and flee” hasn’t. The first is a quote from Jesus about how to respond to personal offences. The second is an angel’s warning to Joseph when King Herod was seeking Jesus’ life (Matthew 2:13). It shows what should be obvious: the command, “Do not resist the one who is evil” (Matthew 5:39), shouldn’t be applied to a person’s safety.
We see examples of this in John 7:1 where Jesus avoids the region of Judea because the religious authorities were trying to kill him. We see it again in Luke 4:29-30, where the crowd in Nazareth wants to throw Jesus off a cliff and he slips away. When Paul’s enemies were staked out at the city gates looking to kill him, he was lowered in a basket through an opening in the wall (Acts 9:24-25). The message is clear, if your safety is threatened, don’t turn the other cheek.
In fact, while turning the other cheek is Jesus’ prescription for a slap in the face, I imagine His message would be different for someone who was slapped in the face, day after day. At that point, what started as an insult has become damaging. While an offence can be absorbed, danger is something we run from.
I’ve tried to lay out the basic principles of how to love an abusive family member, but the biggest challenge is the healing needed to recover from the abuse. May this help you with the one while you pursue the other.
In awe of Him,
Paul
