There are many things around us that we never see until someone points them out. Then we see them everywhere! A switch turns on and now we’re conscious of something that wasn’t on our radar before. That’s how it was with shame for me. I heard the word but I figured that it was the same thing as guilt. I had heard that it was connected with samurai suicides and South Asian honour killings, but I didn’t think it was something that the average Canadian dealt with. I was wrong. When I finally came to understand what shame is and how it operates, I saw it at work everywhere.
Shame in the classroom?
I felt the influence of shame every Tuesday in my Hebrew class when we all took turns reading verses from the Hebrew Bible. The professor said that he “wanted to hear our beautiful flowing Hebrew,” but we knew better. It was a group motivation strategy to help us take our pronunciation seriously. Same thing when we all call out our marks from the weekly quiz. Something inside us is hard-wired to seek honour and avoid shame and embarrassment. And so we study harder for those quizzes than we would if the results were anonymous. But that’s just the benevolent tip of the shame iceberg.
If you haven’t gotten your head around shame yet, I’d highly recommend Heather Davis Nelson’s excellent post on 10 Things You Should Know About Shame.
With shame, the identity has to be reaffirmed
Whereas guilt is a fairly clear-cut response to something specific we’ve done, shame is often a vague attack on our identity and value. And we don’t just feel shame over bad things we’ve done like Adam did when he ate the forbidden fruit. We also feel shame at our circumstances like Hannah did when she struggled with infertility. Victims of abuse struggle with shame as do those who don’t meet the standards of their group (e.g., the student with terrible Hebrew pronunciation!). Because of that, just asking for forgiveness often doesn’t solve the problem of shame. To remove shame, the identity has to be rebuilt or at least reaffirmed “in Christ,” i.e., based on how God sees us because of what Jesus did for us. And the acceptance of God in Christ is crucial.
When your shame isn’t relieved, it gets passed on
Perhaps the most troubling aspect of shame that Nelson mentions is the fact that people who don’t deal with their shame in healthy ways inevitably pass it on to others. People who feel shame, shame the people around them. She gives the example of a mother, who feels ashamed of her own body, criticizing her daughter’s eating. And a husband, who has been shamed by his boss, coming home and repeating the same tactics with his wife and children. Receiving God’s healing for shame is crucial.
Community is needed to heal shame
One of the reasons that God provides the family of God and urges us to connect with each other in biblical fellowship is that we can “feel” God’s acceptance in the acceptance of a grace-filled group of people. As Nelson writes, “Shame disappears in community.” It’s my prayer that our life groups will become a place where people experience the grace and acceptance that’s part of God’s antidote for shame.
In awe of Him,
Paul
