Google the phrase “marriage deal-breakers,” and you’ll see no shortage of responses. Couples are cutting ties over poor hygiene, meddling in-laws, and refusing to clean toilets. They’re going their separate ways because they can’t agree on how to spend free time or how to spend money. But obviously, there are far more serious issues at stake also. What are the deal breakers in marriage? How you answer that question depends mostly on how you understand marriage.

Today, marriage is often seen as a “deal.” We enter into a contract promising certain behaviour as long as the other person returns the same to us. On that basis, a deal breaker is anything that I want badly enough from my spouse that I’m willing to go elsewhere if I don’t get it. Marriage as a deal is a modern invention. In fact, it’s so modern that there hasn’t emerged a consensus yet as to how to work it into the vows. “Til death do us part” still holds sway over alternatives like “For as long as we’re both happy” or “Until I get tired of you.”

Jesus taught that when a couple is married, they are actually “joined together” by God (Mark 10:9). In some mysterious way, “they are no longer two but one” (Mark 10:8). The warnings to “not separate” what God has joined together flow out of this. It results in a fracture that leaves deep scars on both husband and wife. And the pain for children is often even greater. Treating marriage as a deal ignores all of this.

Some Christians believe that God prohibits divorce for any reason on the basis of Mark 10:11-12. That’s where Jesus said, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

Most, however, believe that Scripture allows for divorce in the case of a partner’s sexual unfaithfulness or abandonment. While Jesus seems to make a categorical statement against divorce in Mark 10:11-12, in Matthew 5:32 he gives more detail, saying, “everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” Similarly, in a discussion of marriage and divorce, Paul says, “if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace” (1 Corinthians 7:15).

Sexual unfaithfulness and abandonment aren’t seen as unforgivable sins in marriage. But the allowance for divorce in these situations recognizes that if a person demonstrates by their behaviour that they have broken the covenant of marriage, their partner is no longer bound by that covenant. Counselling is still preferred. Repentance should still be sought. Reconciliation is still ideal, but God allows for divorce because of the “hardness of heart.”

While abuse is never mentioned in the Bible as a ground for divorce, that doesn’t mean that God tolerates or condones it. Separation may be the only means of protection and safety, and the involvement of the police and church leadership will likely be required, without divorce being a part of the equation.

At the end of the day, God doesn’t want marriage to resemble a deal, but the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32). His is a relationship marked by grace and truth. It’s a relationship marked by sacrifice, forgiveness, and patience. Thank God that He doesn’t abandon us for poor hygiene or a refusal to clean toilets!

If you’re struggling with what seems like a deal-breaker, seek support from a fellow Christian and look to God and His Word.

In awe of Him,

Paul