When we find ourselves in conversations about issues that are important to us, it’s easy to lose out to our worst tendencies. A conversation with your teen can degrade into sarcasm. A talk with a coworker can turn into a battle. An exchange with your spouse can end with door slamming. The book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, has helped me recognize some of the things that can make my important conversations go sideways and reflect on what to do instead.

The book talks about 3 common pitfalls.

1. Winning

We’ve all heard people in a debate and wondered how they manage to keep talking past one another. They only listen enough to find something they can correct in the other person. Because they’re both focused on winning, there’s never compromise or resolution.

2. Punishing

Related to winning is the attempt to conversationally punish the other person. We start off trying to address a problem area, but before there’s any hope of the person recognizing the issue and seeing it differently, we resort to shaming and criticism. At that point, the person’s defences go up, and any hope of growth or change is lost.

3. Keeping the Peace

The moment conversations veer into more potentially volatile topics, some people clam up. We decide to protect ourselves from conflict and retreat, rather than get at the issues that might keep us from growth.

In these high-stakes conversations, the authors stress the need to ask what you really want. When we’re objective, we recognize that neither winning, punishing, nor keeping the peace are the outcomes we seek from the exchange. As a Christian, I can ask, “What would Jesus want from this conversation? What’s the goal? And if that’s the goal, what should I say and how should I say it?”

I remember meeting with a pastor to whom our organization had provided some personnel support. After all the work we had done to set up the partnership, the pastor had ended it prematurely, in my mind. I felt defensive about the conversation. I felt protective of our organization and the person who had been let go. I had already decided that the pastor had acted rashly and critically.

With the principles of Crucial Conversations in mind, I was rebuked by Proverbs 18:2, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” I decided I needed to listen and better understand where the pastor was coming from. I asked him, “What can our organization learn from your experience with this person?” Not surprisingly, he had plenty to share. As he did, I wanted to correct him and show him where he was wrong. I tried to learn instead. As I did, I realized what I wanted and what I think Jesus wanted from the conversation: for both of us to hear each other well enough to learn from the experience and prevent it from happening again. As we talked at length, I was able to better understand his perspective, share my own, and brainstorm together about what we could both do to achieve a more satisfying partnership in the future.

I wish all of my conversations would end so happily. I still feel the instinct to win, punish, and keep the peace. But trying to clarify the goal and learn from the other person often helps me to steer conversations in more productive directions.

Have you found anything that helps you redirect when you’re tempted to win or punish the person? Anything that helps you lean into the dialogue when you would otherwise go quiet to try and keep the peace? Share your story in the comments so we can all learn from it.

In awe of Him,

Paul