Most people tend to avoid hard conversations because, frankly, they’re hard. You can have a thousand happy conversations about sports or the weather, but all it takes is one tough talk about a delicate subject, and the relationship can fall apart. The problem is that if you never have the hard conversations, problems go unaddressed, and tensions rise. When this happens, it’s not long before people start expressing their frustrations in direct and indirect ways, and the unity of the team suffers. The book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, has given me a strategy to approach difficult conversations in a way that combines humility and grace.

1. Start with the facts

I think many difficult conversations are doomed from the beginning because we start with our feelings. “I’m angry because you do this!” What we don’t realize is that we’re often actually saying is, “I’m angry because I’ve assumed certain motivations about you based on the partial information that I have which I’ve concluded is all that really matters.” By starting with the facts, you avoid assumptions, conclusions, and emotions which inevitably get in the way of a productive dialogue and a mutually-satisfying conclusion. So, instead of, “I’m so frustrated at you for stealing my stapler last night,” we lead with, “When I came in this morning, my stapler was missing.”

2. Ask for more facts and the other person’s interpretation of them

The Book of Proverbs warns, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). Humility reminds us that we probably don’t have all the information and there may very well be another way to interpret the information we do have. Asking the other person about the incident gives them the opportunity to help us see things we may have missed and understand the events from a different angle. A question like “Do you know what might have happened to my stapler?” allows us to gain information and hear a different perspective.

3. Tentatively share your interpretation

We all know that it’s important to separate fact from fiction, but in high-stakes conversations, it’s just as important to separate facts from our interpretation of them. Phrases like, “I know what you were trying to do,” and “You’re deliberately seeking to undermine me,” state guesses as facts and invite confrontation rather than dialogue. Instead, the authors say that when it’s time to share how you see a particular incident, you should do so cautiously and make it safe for the other person to express a differing or even an opposing view. If the goal is just for you to vent your anger, none of this matters, but Proverbs 18:13 warns, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion” (Proverbs 18:2). Understanding only comes through dialogue. If you want to reach a consensus, both people have to feel the freedom to contribute facts and feelings. When you share your conclusion, you should do so in a way that makes it clear that you’ve heard the other person and are trying to express a conclusion that takes into account what you’ve learned from them. Phrases like, “Is this a fair statement of what we’ve talked about today” and “Am I missing anything here?” make it clear that you’re still interested in dialogue even as you’re starting to state your conclusions.

The strategy that “Crucial Conversations” presents is helpful, and I’ve tried to incorporate the principles that it contains. But I still often find myself in conversations when I forget them because most difficult conversations involve more than missing staplers. Emotions get in the way. Reminding myself that I probably don’t have all the facts, that there’s probably a different way to interpret the facts that I do have, and there’s probably a good reason that people are acting the way they are helps me to lean into dialogue when I’m tempted toward confrontation.

What helps you with your difficult conversations? Where do you still get stuck? Share your experiences in the comments so we can all learn from them.

In awe of Him,

Paul