Click on the image above for the video of this article or keep reading below for the text version.
Kacey Musgraves’ 2013 hit, Follow Your Arrow, expresses the frustrations that many people grapple with. It talks about the weight of people’s expectations and the pain of not being able to please people. It often feels as if nothing we do can satisfy those around us. At one point, she writes, “If you can’t lose the weight, then you’re just fat. But if you lose too much, then you’re on crack.” While she speaks in extremes, the struggle that she articulates is all too common. What do you do when people’s expectations are crushing you?
Try harder to please them?
I think a lot of people just buckle down and try harder. Every word of condemnation becomes a challenge to overcome. Every note of dissatisfaction pushes us to give a little more. Some of the greatest achievers I’ve met are people who keep giving everything they have to please others with the hopes that people will finally give them the affirmation they crave. But this often results in inner exhaustion. And soon the voices that were crushing us become internalized and we harshly evaluate others with the same cruelty that we’ve fought to overcome.
Try harder to ignore them?
Kacey Musgraves feels that the solution to the weight of people’s expectations is to just not listen to them. She writes, “You’re damned if you do. And you’re damned if you don’t, so you might as well just do whatever you want.” She’s urging people to “just follow your arrow wherever it points” and it’s not surprising that the song received so much acclaim. This is the message of our generation, but while it feels better than inwardly dying trying to earn the affirmation of people who can’t be pleased, does it really work? I’m not sure people’s voices can just be so easily ignored. And the fact is that other people’s voices play a critical part in guiding our own. Even if we just manage to shut everyone else out and follow our inner arrow, sooner or later we realize that our inner arrow doesn’t fly straight. And because we’ve shut out all the voices that disagree with us, we no longer have a way to make a course adjustment.
Listen to a louder, truer voice?
Hearing “Follow Your Arrow,” it sounds like Musgraves knows only two ways to deal with people’s crushing expectations. Tired of trying harder to please others, she’s decided to just focus on her own voice. The Bible presents a third way. The apostle Paul actually dealt with some of the same pressures that Musgraves faces. There were people in some of the churches he had established that just couldn’t be satisfied. In 2 Corinthians 10:10, he describes their complaints: “they say, ‘His letters are weighty and strong, but his bodily presence is weak, and his speech of no account.’” They basically said that he was a good writer but a lousy speaker with no presence. Those are harsh words if your calling is as a speaker. Watch how he deals with their criticism, though. He says, “Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding” (2 Corinthians 10:12). He’s saying that he’s refusing to be drawn into the game of comparison and expectation. It’s meaningless to find your affirmation in other people’s opinions. But he’s not following his inner arrow either. In v. 18, he says, “For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends” (2 Corinthians 10:18). Did you hear it? Just following your inner arrow is no indication that you’re in the right. In fact, it’s the very thing that can lead people to selfish decisions and painful regret.
What gave Paul confidence in the face of brutal criticism and expectations wasn’t his inner voice, it was the truer voice of God. It was God’s voice that helped him reject the toxic voices that were undermining him. It was God’s voice that helped correct his inner voice when it would lead him astray. And it was God’s voice that helped amplify certain people’s words that spoke wisdom, grace, and needed correction in his life. We hear God’s voice in Scripture and through fellowship with other Christians, but most fundamentally in a personal relationship with Him. If people’s expectations are crushing you, look for ways to amplify God’s voice in your life.
If this is new to you and you think it’s something you’d like to explore, I’ve written a free, 12-week course called The Unstuck Life that walks you through the essentials of Jesus’ teachings in daily, bite-sized messages that you can read or watch by video. To learn more, go to www.gracebc.ca/getunstuck.
In awe of Him,
Paul
