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In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Winona Ryder opened up about the loneliness she struggled with as a teenager. “I was wishing so badly that I had someone to talk to. A friend, someone... and I didn't. And I saw this magazine stand, this outdoor magazine stand, and I saw myself on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine. And it said something like, ‘Winona Ryder is the luckiest girl in the world.’ And it broke my heart because there I was in so much pain, and feeling so confused, feeling so lost in my life.”
Winona Ryder’s experience is heartbreaking to hear, but it helps dispel some of the wrong thinking that we have about loneliness. We often assume that somebody that pretty or that successful couldn’t be lonely. It’s like we assume loneliness is the penalty that you get for not measuring up in the game of life. Not only is that not true, but it adds the weight of condemnation to the pain of loneliness itself. Loneliness affects just about everyone at different points in their life, but it comes in different forms. Consider the 4 voices of loneliness and how you can answer them.
1. No one understands me
One form that loneliness can take is that we feel as if no one understands us. Anyone who has moved to another country has probably felt this, but even in your own neighbourhood or your own family, it’s easy to feel misunderstood. “Nobody gets what I’m going through!” One of the most encouraging truths of the Bible is that God knows us deeply and personally. Psalm 139 is worth reflecting on. It describes God the way many people talk about a best friend. He knows what we’re thinking (Psalm 139:2). He understands what we want to say before we’ve even said it (Psalm 139:4). He formed us in the womb (Psalm 139:13) and saw every day of our lives before it came to pass (Psalm 139:16). God is so committed to showing us that He understands us that when He came into this world, He did so as someone who was so misunderstood that His family thought He was crazy (Mark 3:21) and the people of His hometown tried to throw Him off a cliff (Luke 4:29). God understands you.
2. No one needs me
Another form of loneliness is feeling like you’re not needed anymore. This can set in when your children grow up or you retire from your job. Part of the problem is that we can define ourselves by our families or our careers and so when there’s an adjustment, it feels like we’ve lost our identity. The Bible says that our most foundational identity is as children of God. We’ve been created with a purpose. Ephesians 2:10 says, “we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Our roles may change, but as long as there are people in need, there are people who need you. Look for someone who’s lonely.
3. No one can help me
Feeling like there’s no one who can help you can be terrifying. We can face times when the need is very practical. We don’t feel like there’s anyone we can turn to. Other times, you can feel alone when you’re facing a problem that people can’t solve. The Bible is filled with reminders of God’s presence with us (Deuteronomy 31:8), His care for us (1 Peter 5:7), and the assurance that He will never let us go (John 14:8). Far from being unwilling to help us, the Bible teaches that the bigger problem is our independence. We tend to live as if God doesn’t exist, but we were created to live in reliance on the God who loves us. Similarly, God designed us to build supportive relationships in the family of God, but we often keep our distance and guard our time for ourselves until we’re in a crisis. There’s help for you in a relationship with God and His people.
4. No one loves me
We’ve created this final category of loneliness. Our culture sends the subtle and sometimes not so subtle message that being single means being unloved. Being alone must mean being lonely. This is just untrue. Jesus was single. The apostle Paul was single. John the Baptist was single. Nehemiah and Jeremiah were single, too. Some of the people that the Bible holds up as having the fullest and most significant lives in the Bible were single. Their confidence came from their assurance of God’s love for them. In our culture, it almost feels ironic to hear the apostle Paul praying for the largely married congregation in Ephesus that they would “know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:19). God’s love for you is real.
Sooner or later, almost everyone faces feelings of loneliness. Before you hear one of the voices of loneliness, learn to answer it with the encouragement and the relationships that God calls us to.
If this is new to you and you think it’s something you’d like to explore, I’ve written a free, 12-week course called The Unstuck Life that walks you through the essentials of Jesus’ teachings in daily, bite-sized messages that you can read or watch by video. To learn more, go to www.gracebc.ca/getunstuck.
In awe of Him,
Paul