Stress can weigh on almost every aspect of our lives. It interrupts our sleep. It affects our digestion. It causes aches in our bodies. It also impacts our relationships and our performance at work. According to a recent poll, about 1 in 4 Canadians said that they feel quite stressed or extremely stressed most days. Women reported feeling stressed by expectations, relationships, and family concerns while men were more stressed by layoffs, pay cuts, demotions, and financial difficulties. The question is: What do you do about it?

There is no shortage of suggestions and most of them provide some measure of help. Experts talk about taking care of your mind by limiting media intake, thinking more positively, and talking with others. They stress the importance of physical health with more exercise, more sleep, and a better diet. Deep breathing can bring some short-term relief. All of those things are useful in the same way that a bandage helps if your arm is gushing blood. But what if the blood doesn’t stop? What if you actually need stitches?

The problem with most solutions to stress is that they don’t deal directly with what’s causing the stress. It’s not that that hadn’t occurred to anyone, it’s just that most of the stressors in our lives are beyond our control. If the war in Ukraine is causing you stress, there’s little you can do to bring about a ceasefire. If your parents’ divorce is causing you stress, there’s little you can do to solve it. If people’s expectations are causing you stress, expecting them to change is only liable to set you up for disappointment. I know, none of this feels very encouraging, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t help. 

What if the things that cause you stress are actually just symptoms of something deeper? What if the stress you feel from people’s expectations is really a symptom of a deeper need for affirmation? What if the stress you feel from your job uncertainty or the conflict in our world is really a symptom of a deeper fear that life is out of control? What if the stress you feel from relational conflicts is really a symptom of an underlying conflict that you haven’t addressed?

In his book, “Every Good Endeavor: Connecting Your Work to God’s Work,” Tim Keller suggests that “All of us are haunted by the work under the work – that need to prove and save ourselves, to gain a sense of worth and identity.” What he means is that the threat of a layoff would be stressful for anyone, but if my job is the basis of my self-worth, identity, and hope, then the threat of a layoff feels like the end of my life.

What Keller says about work is true of almost any aspect of stress. There’s stress under the stress. If I live with someone who is impossibly demanding, then that will cause me a measure of stress. If I rely on that person to validate me as a person, then that person’s expectations and demands will feel almost life-threatening. It’s the stress under the stress that makes most of the typical suggestions for stress relief limited in their effectiveness. The good news is that while you often can’t immediately deal with the stressors in your life, you can address the stress under the stressors. You can deal with the underlying needs that magnify stress in your life.

In my life, those underlying needs have included assurance, acceptance, and peace, and they’ve been met through a relationship of trust in Jesus Christ. As I’ve put my faith in Him, it’s not that the stressors have disappeared, but one by one He’s dealt with the stress under the stressors.

Eugene Peterson has paraphrased a famous promise of Jesus in these words:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

The closer I get to Jesus, the more that I feel of that rest and the lighter my life becomes. He helps me face uncertainty with the confidence that He’s in control. He helps me face conflict with the assurance that my relationship with God is secure. He helps me face people’s expectations with the perfect acceptance of my Father in heaven. He takes away the stress under the stress.

If this is new to you and you think it’s something you’d like to explore, I’ve written a free 12-week course called The Unstuck Life that walks you through the essentials of Jesus’ teachings in daily bite-sized messages that you can read or watch by video. To learn more, go to www.gracebc.ca/getunstuck.

May God give all of us the strength to confront the stress under the stress.

In awe of Him,

Paul