“Tell your wife and kids you love them tonight. I shall do the same as I really don’t know if I will have many more chances to do so.” Those were the words of a man exposed by the 2015 hack of the Ashley Madison website. The site was started by a Toronto-born entrepreneur with the slogan: “Life is short, have an affair” and boasted tens of millions of users in more than 50 countries. When it was hacked, their entire database was released online and there were reports of suicide, divorce, and online shaming of users. While the forms of sexual temptation vary in each generation, the reality and painful consequences of it don’t. I fear that we’re missing some of the Bible’s old school wisdom in this area. Consider these principles from the Book of Proverbs.

1. What your mind fixates on will shape your actions

Each time that Proverbs addresses sexual temptation, it starts with an appeal to the mind. It doesn’t work to just try not to do bad things. Our most basic defence is a commitment to God’s wisdom (Proverbs 5:1), commands (Proverbs 6:20), and teaching (Proverbs 7:2). It’s not just that we believe these things but reflect on them and remember them. Solomon urges: “Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck. When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you” (Proverbs 6:21-22). Memorizing Scripture helps you to dismantle the lies that lead to sin. And Proverbs warns of just how powerful the competing words (and images) of temptation can be. It says that they “drip honey” and are “smoother than oil” (Proverbs 5:3) calling them “sharp as a two-edged sword” (Proverbs 5:4), the very language applied to God’s Word itself. If you’re not training your mind with Scripture, you’re an easy target for sexual temptation.

2. You need fences to help avoid temptation

Proverbs is too realistic to suggest a simple solution to the problem of sexual sin. God’s Word, as powerful as it is, must be combined with other defences. On a very practical level, we need to recognize our vulnerabilities and set up fences to limit our exposure to temptation. When Solomon describes a man who ends up in an Ashley-Madison-style affair, he pictures him foolishly taking an evening stroll near the house of a woman he knows can entice him (Proverbs 7:7-9). Instead, he warns, “Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house” (Proverbs 5:8). There are plenty of situations that aren’t in themselves sinful, but if they’re in the neighbourhood of a temptation that we’re vulnerable to, we’re wise to take a detour. As Proverbs 6:27 asks, “Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned?”

3. Delight in the love that God celebrates

People who have been turned off by religion have usually been exposed to a purely negative list of things not to do. Christianity, rightly understood, is profoundly positive. For every “no” there’s a “because of YES.” God doesn’t warn against sexual immorality because He’s against sex. He created it! He warns against the wrong kind of sex in order for people to enjoy the fullness of the right kind of sex. That’s why, in a passage warning against sexual temptation, there are strong appeals to enjoy marital love. Solomon says, “rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18) and “be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:19). When a person becomes lazy at working at romance in marriage, the temptation of romance outside of marriage takes on more power. Those who aren’t married can still find protection against sexual temptation by loving their neighbours and their brothers and sisters in Christ. Investing in fellowship strengthens you but ignoring it leaves you vulnerable. Delight in the love that God celebrates.

Is there ancient wisdom in the area of sexual purity that you’ve been neglecting? Start by feeding your mind. Then, see where you need to build some fences. And work on the love that satisfies without the regret. May God give you grace as you do.

In awe of Him,

Paul