The words “Jesus’ dating advice” may confuse you. Is there a gospel I haven’t read? Is there a passage I missed? You may draw a blank trying to think of what Jesus said about dating at all. And Jesus neither dated nor married. What advice could He offer, anyway? Besides, dating is a fairly recent phenomenon. In first-century Jewish or Roman culture, you didn’t invite someone to the chariot races as a path toward a romantic relationship. Things were different then. But Jesus gave two foundational principles to navigate all of life and they provide a roadmap for approaching areas, like dating, that hadn’t even been developed when He walked the earth.

Many people are familiar with the exchange where Jesus was asked the greatest commandment in Scripture. He gave the person two. Matthew 22:37-39 records the now-famous words.

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. – Matthew 22:37-39

Love God with all you’ve got and love your neighbour as yourself. Those two commands are to shape our response to life. When it comes to dating, though, our instincts – even if you’re a Christian – are often influenced more by Love Island and The Bachelorette than anything Jesus ever said. Let me break down how you might apply His response in Matthew 22 to your dating life.

1. It starts and ends with God

Most dating begins with an almost desperate yearning for companionship and romance. It begins with our needs and is fuelled by our desire to fill them. And it feels like we’re in a competition with limited supply, so we’ll often do whatever it takes to get what we need. The process often makes people feel cheap and can be marked by regret, frustration, and pressure.

Jesus’ approach to dating, by contrast, begins and ends with God. It recognizes that God is the One whom we are first called to love and it’s God’s presence in our lives that truly satisfies. It also helps us remember that God is the One who provides companionship. He was the One who saw that it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone and provided a partner for him. When we love God first, we have a relationship with a God who cares about our needs for companionship and guides us in the process. We’re not alone in it anymore. At the same time, when He’s our first love, then His commands rather than a date’s expectations form the basis of our actions and the standards we keep. We know that a partner we secure through compromise is not the partner God has provided.

2. It’s more about giving than taking

The second half of Jesus’ response is just as practical as the first. The command to love your neighbour as yourself teaches you that dating has to be more about giving than taking. The reality shows keep sending the message that dating is about trying to lure the richest or the hottest partner you can find. So, of course, the most important thing you can do is spend as much time as possible in the gym, get a great car, and dress and act in a way that will maximize your impact. If I’m going to use a give-not-take approach to dating, though, things will be different.

My goal won’t be to pretend to be someone I’m not or to snag the richest or the hottest person I can. I’ll instead seek to bless, affirm, and encourage the people I meet. I’ll try to help a date get a clearer sense of who I am and what I value and learn the same about them, believing again that God provides a companion, so it’s not a game I’m trying to win. And faith and character will take priority – both mine and theirs – because neither money nor looks can fuel a love that goes the distance. Besides, dating should always have marriage in view, and marriage is defined by sacrifice, commitment, and service. The end should shape the beginning.

What’s your take on Jesus’ advice for dating? What questions does it still leave unanswered? Where does it still leave you confused?

May God guide you in the journey as you follow Jesus’ advice for dating.

In awe of Him,

Paul