If you’ve seen the heartache and struggles of those who find themselves married to an abusive spouse, you’d do anything to try to help someone avoid that kind of pain. The problem is that most people have no idea that their spouse will turn out to be abusive until after the wedding. When you’re dating someone, there are so many things that you’re learning about the other person. And the excitement and thrill of being in love inevitably cloud your judgment and keep you from seeing things that you might otherwise notice. In her excellent book, “Is It Abuse?” Darby Strickland defines what the root of oppression is and gives a premarital assessment designed to help you identify the warning signs of abuse before it happens. Let me share some of the insights that stood out to me.

Before reading her book, I might have assumed that abuse happens because a person has a problem with anger or violence - they’re out of control. I learned that the opposite is the case. Anger and violence are deliberately used as tactics to maintain control. Strickland writes this:

“When a spouse is oppressive, his desires become demands – and he is willing to continually dominate the other spouse in order to get his world the way he wants it. Oppression is so much more than an anger problem or a marriage problem. Oppression is about coercive control. Oppressive behavior is not provoked. It is behavior that accomplishes something for the abuser. It is an expression of pernicious entitlement.”

There are 4 questions I would encourage anyone who’s dating to ask:

1. How does your partner respond when they don’t get their own way?

If I understand that control is at the heart of abuse, I need to understand how a partner responds when things don’t go their way. Remembering that in the dating phase everyone tries to be on their best behaviour, they might not throw things or act out physically (although that’s a danger sign if they do!), but what do you see when they don’t get what they want? Do they blame you or other people? Are they rude or critical? Are you afraid to say no to them? When you do say no, does that settle things?

2. How does your partner respond to criticism?

Criticism and control don’t mix well. If someone always has to be in charge, they’re not going to take kindly to someone who criticizes them. How does your partner respond to negative feedback? Are they easily insulted? Do they deflect the blame back on you? If they do admit their wrong, is it just to change the topic or do you see real change? Without humility and genuine repentance, a person won’t change.

3. How possessive is your partner?

When you’re first dating, you can feel flattered that someone pays so much attention to you. The fact that they want you to spend so much time with them can boost your sense of self-worth. But possessiveness can be an indication of entitlement and control. Does your partner encourage your other relationships? Is your partner critical of your family and friends? Are they jealous of the time you spend with them? Do they check your cell phone without your permission? One of the ways that abusers control people is by isolating them. Jealousy and possessiveness may be indicators of a potential abuser.

4. How much freedom do you feel with your partner?

Someone with a strong sense of entitlement will try to bend the person that they’re dating in order to meet their needs. You become a means to their ends. Does your relationship give you the freedom to be yourself, or are you always trying to please your partner? Do you feel intimidated by your partner? Is your partner able to compromise when you disagree, or are you the one who always has to give in?

No one is perfect, and we all struggle with aspects of entitlement, but if your partner always has to be right and exhibits jealousy, defensiveness, and control, it may be a warning that you’re in for deeper problems on the other side of the wedding bells. Get some objective feedback from someone whose discernment you respect and don’t assume that the problems will resolve themselves with time.

In awe of Him,

Paul