I was on a road trip with my two sons and something they said led me to share a very personal story. I went into detail about what happened, what I’d learned, and how it had such an impact on me. As I came to the end, I looked over at my sons, half-hoping to see wide-eyed expression of wonder and awe. They were both fast asleep! Communicating with children is hard. Let me share some tips from the Bible about how to speak in a way that reaches your child.

1. Ask better questions better

Children are so good at asking questions, that parents quickly fall into the role of just giving the answers. When we do ask questions, they tend to be of the accusing “How could you do that???” variety. Jesus was a master teacher, but He was constantly asking questions. Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” If we want to reach a child at a heart-level, we need to draw out what they’re thinking, how they’re feeling, and what motivates them. Rather than just vent our anger at something they’ve done, we need to try and ask questions in a way that helps them and us understand what really happened. Try questions like the following: What were you feeling when you did that? Why? How did you think that would help? How else could you have responded? When you ask, do so in a way that makes it clear that you’re trying to help your child not just trap them.

2. Spend more time listening

When children speak, it’s an opportunity to learn something about them and build our relationship with them. But often we’re too tired to listen well and let other things distract us. Proverbs 18:2 warns, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” If the only time we’re interested in a conversation is when we’re doing the talking, our children will eventually learn to tune us out. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t feel valued when they’re given your full attention when they speak. And we learn valuable things about our children’s dreams, values, and beliefs in the process. If we build a foundation of good listening, it’s easier to expect our children to listen to us.

3. Don’t be a one-note singer

People often say that if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If we’re honest, most parents have their favourite tool in the parenting communication toolbox. Maybe you’re the “No”-parent, or the sympathy-parent, or the motivator-parent, or the guilt-trip-parent. Most parents tend to be one-note singers. Think about your interactions with your child and ask whether you’re speaking in monotone. If so, which tool do you keep turning to? Although it wasn’t about parenting per se, Paul said this in 1 Thessalonians 5:14 “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.” Each situation calls for something different. Children who are broken over what they’ve done need to be encouraged and given hope in Christ. Those who are defiant and unrepentant need to hear our shock at what they’ve done. Most parents gravitate to one or the other, but all of us need to expand our repertoire.

4. Connect to Jesus and His Word

If a child only ever hears the Bible in Sunday School, by the time they’re done they will draw the conclusion that God’s Word is irrelevant to their lives. Church can give a foundation in basic Christian teachings, but a child needs to hear the Bible applied in their family conversations to believe that it belongs in the real world. In Deuteronomy 6:6-7, Moses said this: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” Work at talking more about the Bible and how it relates to what’s happening in your life, your child’s life, and the world around you. And connect it to the good news of Jesus – He’s the One to whom all of Scripture points.

Communicating with children can be hard, but the Bible makes it slightly less difficult. May God give us help in reaching our children with our words.

In awe of Him,

Paul