If you’re a parent, you’ll likely spend a good portion of your time on this earth thinking about, caring for, and spending money on your children. They are inevitably the single biggest investment you’ll make in life. How much time have you given to thinking about what you’re actually trying to do for your children? Is your end goal that they’d like you? That they become financially successful? That they be independent? That they are kind, strong, or environmentally conscious? That they are religious? The work of parenting can be so all-consuming that we lose sight of what we’re aiming for. The crises of parenting can be so overwhelming that we forget what we’re trying to accomplish. Opportunities are lost as a result. And later we can regret them. Let me share what I feel is an inadequate end goal that we often settle for and two alternatives I believe God calls us to.

1. The goal of parenting can’t just be behaviour

It’s easy to become fixated on our children’s behaviour because it’s what we see in front of us. We want our children to study hard or do what we say or spend less time in front of their screens. When behaviour is all we think about, however, it’s helpful to remember the Pharisees. They were the most outwardly moral, personally disciplined, and religiously strict people of Jesus’ day, and yet He condemned them as “whitewashed tombs” and said to them “you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness” (Matthew 23:28). That child who ‘doesn’t give you much trouble’ may just be a Pharisee-in-training. When we use bribes and threats to coerce our children’s behaviour, we may get outward conformity, but in reality, our children have just learned to play the game we’ve set up for them. We end up with what Jesus describes in Matthew 15:8, where He said: “This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.” Tedd Tripp had it right when he said, “A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is condemnable.”

2. The goal of parenting has to aim at the heart

The Bible consistently points to the importance of the heart. Proverbs 4:23 warns, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” And Jesus said, “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). If I understand the role and importance of the heart, I’m going to spend more time dealing with motivation than mere action, especially as a child grows into the middle and teen years. It means that I’m going to have to listen well and talk in a way that engages instead of just lecturing.

Aiming at the heart doesn’t mean ignoring behaviour though. A child’s behaviour often reflects what’s going on in their heart. And younger children are shaped more by actions than by words. Requiring children to do what’s right often needs to precede teaching children why it’s right and helping them to want to do it for themselves. But while we give the ‘what’ of behaviour we need to regularly explain the ‘why’ of motivation. We found in our parenting that explaining the motivation for behaviour was always helpful but debating the motivation for behaviour was always counter-productive. Obedience comes first; questions can follow. Otherwise, children quickly learn that an endless stream of why questions can challenge authority, defer obedience, and sometimes completely avoid it – this is the opposite of parenting to the heart.

3. The goal of parenting has to point to Jesus

When children are young, the Bible calls parents to teach and require obedience similar to the way that you give them training wheels to help them ride a bike. You’re creating muscle memory for a life of virtue and teaching them about the character of God and His will for our lives. It’s only through faith in Jesus, though, that a person is born again (John 3:3) and receives a new heart (Jeremiah 24:7). It is only here that true heart transformation can begin. That means that parenting must be saturated in the gospel. We need to regularly talk about sin and why we ourselves sin. A child should hear a parent’s compassion and identification with their weaknesses and failings. The consequences that we give for sin should express the seriousness of sin and explain the far more serious consequences that await those who ultimately reject Christ’s pardon. More than anything, we need to talk about the hope there is in Christ. Children need to understand the grace that’s available through faith in Him as well as the life of repentance that following Him involves.

Notice that I didn’t say that the goal of parenting is making your child a good member of society or a godly person or a Christian. Those results are in God’s hands and the response of your child. We can only focus on our part and call on God for the work that only He can do. May God give us help as we do.

In awe of Him,

Paul