Did you hear the news? Alec and Hilaria Baldwin’s 6-year-old son, Rafael, took a key and scratched his name into the side of their car. Don’t worry, though, according to mom he was “super tough” on himself after it happened, so I’m sure it won’t happen again.

Last week, Hilaria was elated to report that he had worn real clothes instead of pajamas for the first time in a year. This wasn’t just a pandemic thing either. Apparently, he had shown up for his preschool orientation in red plaid pajamas, so when he decided to put on a flannel shirt and some jeans, it was a welcome change.

She reflected on the moment with these words: “He loves his PJs and he can always dress as he wishes … but it’s nice to see him this way too. I always want him to feel 100 percent Rafael. Let our babes find their path on their own terms. This parenting lesson keeps shining over and over again on my mommy journey.”

I don’t have a bone to pick with the Baldwins’ parenting decisions and certainly not little Rafael. If I were to broadcast some of my early parenting exploits to millions of followers in real-time, I would be embarrassed about plenty of the things that I had done and not done. I do think that Hilaria has powerfully articulated one of the prevailing North American approaches to parental authority, however, and I think that it’s worth comparing with the Bible’s approach.

1. Children need parents’ spiritual and moral authority

Hilaria wants her son “to feel 100 percent Rafael.” The implication is that whatever he’s got inside must be just right and so she’s careful to help him give full expression to it. By contrast, the Bible says that a child’s spiritual and moral compass needs shaping and even transformation. Proverbs 22:15 warns, for example that “folly is bound up in the heart of a child.” It’s not just saying that children are silly, but that there’s a bent toward defiance and self-rule. That shouldn’t be a surprising statement. We don’t assume that children are born academically educated or athletically trained. Why then do we think that children are born with moral and spiritual maturity? The Bible charges parents with the task of providing authority to shape their children’s growth in righteousness and the things of God. In fact, Proverbs 29:15 says that “a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” It’s not speaking of a child being physically abandoned – the rest of the verse talks of the parent’s role in discipline and instruction. Where a parent abdicates this authority, the child will likely bring the parents grief.

2. Children need parents’ spiritual and moral guidance

Hilaria, like many people today, was taught that children need to “find their path on their own terms.” We don’t leave children to figure out spelling and math on their own terms. Why would we do that with something so important as what’s right and wrong? The time to work to instill values like love, justice, patience, humility, and faith in God are when children are young, and habits are being formed. But that requires that parents lead their children and not just leave them to find their own way. Ephesians 6:4 encourages: “do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” God has given parents the responsibility of shaping their child’s moral and spiritual compass. And discipline and instruction are the means God calls us to.

3. Children need to learn to live under authority before they’re given their own authority

I think a lot of parents can relate to the PJ-wearing fixation of little Rafael. And many parents who might not fully accept the rest of Hilaria’s parenting philosophy might not see anything wrong with letting him dress however he wants. Clothing choices are morally neutral, aren’t they? The clothing choice isn’t really the point. The bigger issue is that parents are called to lead their children into a life of obedience, and if children are given all the choices, they never learn to submit their will to someone else’s. Ephesians 6:1-2 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise).” Children need to learn to live under authority before they’re given their own authority. In the book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Tedd Tripp describes the process like this:

“Parents can cajole, plead, urge (in frustration and anger), scream and threaten, but the child is his own boss. The parent has long since given up the decision-making prerogative in the child’s life. How did it happen? It crept in at a very early stage as the parent made every decision a smorgasbord of choices for the child to decide.”

Do you love your child enough to lead them? Do you have the courage to discipline and instruct them? Do you have the will to lead them into a life of faith and obedience? Our children need more than providers and advisers. Don’t leave them to find their own way. Take their hand and show them.

In awe of Him,

Paul