Different versions of the following quote are attributed to Henri Nouwen: “We are not what we do, we are not what we have, we are not what others think of us. Coming home is claiming the truth: I am the beloved child of a loving creator.” After almost two decades as a celebrated professor at universities like Yale and Harvard, he went to work with individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities. It was only natural that he thought deeply about identity. I want to consider what we need to learn from this statement, what we need to clarify, and what’s wrong with the popular alternative to it.

If you don’t clarify your identity, it’ll ruin you

Nouwen gives voice to what people almost universally believe about themselves unless they’ve clarified their sense of identity. We aren’t what we do, but we tend to think that we are, and the affirmations or condemnations of the people around us often affirm this. As soon as we tell someone our name, the next question is almost always, “What do you do?” People make assumptions about our personality, lifestyle, and even our worth on the basis of what we do or don’t do professionally. And we’re tempted to do the same about ourselves and others. That’s not healthy for anyone. The same is true for our possessions. If our identity is defined by the size of our home or the model of our car, then we will waste money trying to prove that we have value and never succeed in doing so. To say that we aren’t what others think of us is to reject the unfair criticism and shame that can often debilitate a person and limit their potential. Of course, sometimes people’s frank and even unpleasant feedback is just what we need to hear, but the point is that we can’t let people’s words arbitrarily define us. And the fact is that if you’ve never thought about your identity then these things probably will define you. If you don’t clarify your identity, you’ll be tempted to see your life as the sum of your accomplishments, your possessions, and the things people have said about you. That’s not a stable basis for defining yourself or your value.

Defining your own identity isn’t any more valid than letting others define it

Today, people are quick to pick up on Nouwen’s statement that we’re not what others think of us. But instead of seeing the alternative in the loving eyes of God, they turn inward to themselves. David Alan Grier, for instance, says: “Don’t let anyone try to tell you who you are. Define yourself.” The question I’d want to ask Grier is why. Why should my perception of who I am be any more valid or authoritative than someone else’s? Some people suffer from terrible self-esteem and it’s their own condemning thoughts that are crushing them. Shouldn’t the affirming opinions of others count for something? Other people have lofty ideas about themselves that are completely out of touch with reality. Shouldn’t the grounding evaluation of others be listened to? Ken Poirot, seems to disagree: “Strong people define themselves; weak people allow others to define them.” Notice that he’s actually categorizing – even defining – people as strong or weak on the basis of his own opinion of them. Regardless of that, is it only the strong people who define themselves? Don’t proud people define themselves as well? Don’t delusional and narcissistic people define themselves? In the end, we aren’t any more qualified to define who we are than other people are.

Only God can give us an identity that is healthy, liberating, and true

Nouwen rejects the idea that we define ourselves and declares that “Coming home is claiming the truth: I am the beloved child of a loving creator.” Knowing that God created me gives me a sense of home and place. Knowing where I came from helps me to understand who I am. The Bible says that “God created man in his own image” (Genesis 1:27) and that says that we’ve not only been invested with dignity but also purpose. David said, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalms 139:14) and Paul said that “we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10). Knowing that God created us individually says that there is design and purpose in the things that make us unique. You’re not a mistake.

Nouwen’s statement needs to be clarified, though. Coming home isn’t just claiming the truth that I’m the beloved child of a loving creator. Not at least if we’re going to allow the Creator to speak for Himself. God gives the privilege of becoming a child of God to all who receive Jesus Christ and believe in Him as Lord and Saviour. As it says in John 1:12, “to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” The amazing identity of a child of God is something that we receive by faith by turning from sin and trusting in Jesus.

Where do you get your sense of identity? What defines you? Is it what you’ve accomplished and what you own? Will you be defined by what others think? Or what you think? Let your identity be defined by the loving God who created you. Let Him tell you who you really are and what you’ve been created to do. Hear Him declare your worth and significance in a relationship of faith.

Next time, we’ll consider more of what the Bible describes of our identity.

In awe of Him,

Paul